ADYNATON

1. Go to church. Send them photos of you in your Sunday best to supplement not calling them for three months. Sing every hymn until you believe the words you’re saying. Pray to a God you don’t believe in, and ask for forgiveness for what you’ve done, the thing you have believed in. Get drunk on the blood of Christ to forget that you don’t drink. Eat the body of Christ to remember the last time you ate a man.

 

2. Fall in love with a boy. Meet him at work, or through mutual friends, and not at the bars you frequent on Friday nights. Let him kiss you on the third date, because classy girls don’t kiss the first time. When he tells you that you’re different, believe him. Practice missionary while you plan your journey to convert the world. Wear your nicest dresses on your dates, and get home by 11. Follow the curfew that was set for you when you were 16. Tell him you love him, even when you don’t. Believe it. Don’t drool when beautiful people pass you on the street. That’s his job now.

 

3. Call your mother on your way home from work. Do not tell her the things you do in your spare time, how you have found religion in bodies and bottles. Ask her how your father is doing, wait for her to mediate your closed discussion. Apologize that you don’t call her more often.

 

4. Get married. Wear the whitest dress you can find, and then stain it with red wine. Dance with everyone at the party, treat the rest of your life like a party. Invite all your relatives to remind them you still exist; do not expect any to come. Invite your boss from work who doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself, expect him to come. Cry when you finally get a bite to eat, because you’ve been starving yourself all night, because you will be starving yourself for the rest of your life. Do not forget to be the center of attention.

 

5. Tell your family you love them.

6. Tell your family you love them.

7. Tell your family you love them.

 

8. Don’t expect them to say it back.